Month: January 2021

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Little Things

Anyone who has lived through the year 2020, and now moving in to 2021, knows what I’m talking about when I say sometimes you need a little encouragement. And this morning, God gave me a little sign that filled me with gratitude and hope.

Yesterday afternoon, when I went to pick up my youngest from school, I suddenly found myself thinking about some new friends we had made just over a year ago at the local YMCA. It gets very cold during winter here we live so when our kids would have their Saturday morning swimming lessons, my husband and I would relax in the hot tub. We met some really great people there whose kids were in the same swimming classes as our kids and one weekend we had them all over for tacos––my husband and I love to host people, enjoy the company and share the joy of authentic Mexican food. We had a great time, but it wasn’t very long after that they decided to basically shut down the whole world for the “pandemic”; we were not able to continue cultivating that new friendship.

Yesterday afternoon, I found myself wondering if I would ever see those people again. Would we ever see a world again in which we are “allowed” to go to the gym again, “allowed” make new friends again?

I had a moment, I refuse to break, mind you, but I had a moment of nostalgia; of missing “the way things were”. One of those moments when your heart sinks just a little and you long for different times and you know that if you stay on that path and continue it could lead to darker places. It was fleeting.

Then, this morning, when I sat down to do my morning devotions and prayer, I saw quickly the name of the person I had been thinking about yesterday pop up on my Telegram. It was amazing! It was like a wink from God, a little nudge that said “I’m here and I’m listening. I care even about the little things and I care enough to show you.” What are the chances that I don’t think about that person for months and then their name pops up within less than 24 hours?!

I took a moment to say Hi and send blessings to my friend. And I took a moment to praise God and thank Him for taking care to show me His love even in the little things.

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Writing My Story

I have recently begun a writing workshop, a 7-day book writing challenge by Hay House. I have been meaning to start writing my story since last fall as part of a business program I had committed to. But every time I determined to do it I would inevitably have all kinds of other things to do; my procrastination pattern I mentioned in a previous post was trying to rear its ugly head.

After Day One of the writing challenge, my story is pouring out of me. I have only begun to dictate bits and pieces in my Notes app as they come to me, but this is more than I have done, ever.

Four days before the writing challenge started, I wrote down my goals for this year; one of those goals was to write my story. One week before writing down my goals, I registered for the Hay House writing challenge–something a dear friend sent to me. And exactly one month before that, I made my commitment to write a blog post everyday for 100 days. This is the physics of progress, as one of my mentors would say. I’m biting off pieces that I can chew. I’m taking action and as my mentor always says, action breeds clarity, clarity breeds awareness, and awareness breeds certainty. Each step I take brings me closer to what I want. Each action I take brings me more clarity. And because I’ve set my intention, (and written it down to make it real), more opportunities keep flowing to me. Everytime I make another move that I know is congruent with where I want to go, my story becomes more and more clear to me. For the longest time, I didn’t think I even had a story, not one anybody would be interested in anyway. I was much too ordinary and insignificant to have a story. How many of you feel this way?

There are parts of my story that I am not looking forward to writing. I know it will be therapeutic, and it’s necessary for my growth and healing. There are things that, had I known then what I know now, I would have done differently. But, it is finally time to talk about those things, because I suspect that many of us have those things that we feel we can’t talk about. No matter how big or small, significant or insignificant they seem in our own eyes or in the eyes of others, we all have those moments that we wish we could undo, or do better; the coveted do-over. If I can talk about my stuff, I can empower you to talk about your stuff; to forgive yourself and learn to know and love yourself so that you too can empower others to know and love themselves and we can have a world full of people who truly love themselves.

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Conversations

I enjoy conversations, especially the deep ones; philosophical ones, existential ones; conversations about consciousness and the meaning behind the reason.

I mentioned in my previous post, that I’d rather be alone reading or thinking about something deep that to be in a superficial conversation. Don’t get me wrong, I can do the superficial conversation thing, and even enjoy it, but it’s not my preference. I also realize that you don’t just jump into those deep conversations with most people; you have to kind of feel it out first. Some people are afraid to go there, some people have no idea where there even is.

I’m thinking of particular person that I can’t even say the work “Reiki” around. Many people have at least heard of Reiki, are a little bit curious about it, or have even tried it. But when I say this word or even the word energy around her, it’s like I can almost see her floating out of her body. No joke, she completely goes somewhere else. So we talk about other things, the weather, her grown kids, her health issues that began seemingly out of nowhere and will likely “force” her to retire early; from a consciousness perspective, I can see other things going on here, but she can’t hear that, so I just listen.

One time, I had a booth at a trade show and got to talking with the pleasant couple across the aisle from me when we had down time. Mostly he was at their booth, so we talked more, but occasionally she would come around with their little one and bring food. He had been asking about my energy work and practice when his wife joined us, and I was about to tell a story that had something to do with a woman and her pregnancy (this was a long time ago, so I can’t remember the story, it’s not really relevant other than how it affected the energy). She was hanging on to my words, I could see the interest, she wanted to know all about it, but I got to a certain point and the energy in front of him was suddenly as if a huge iron gate had just slammed down, “Whatever you’re about to say, DON’T.” I could tell his wife was waiting for me to tell the story, but I pretended to get distracted and trail off and the energy instantly lifted. The interesting thing was, I don’t really know if he was conscious of any of that. I’m not really sure that he was even aware that it happened; to this day, I wonder. In any case, it was not a conversation that was meant to happen at that moment. I will never forget how tangible that energy was.

This isn’t really the kind of thing I can tell people, though, because unless they are also aware of energy, they will either think I’m full of it; believe that they are impervious, or worry that I am reading their minds, (which I am not, just reading the energy). It’s also why I don’t enjoy the superficial conversations as much, I’d much rather be exploring the energy behind what people are saying.

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Slacking

I’ve been slacking in my posts. I know what this is. I’m not lazy; it’s my procrastination pattern. I tend to put off important things, for a number of reasons: fear of being really good at it and then having the responsibility of having to be even better; fear of not being good at all and then become a laughing stock (of who? of what? I don’t know but I guess this is probably a more common fear than we fool ourselves into believing when the fear is pushing at us); needing the pressure of a tighter deadline to motivate me and push me––there’s something about accomplishing under pressure that I really enjoy, and I do always come through. So why am I slacking?

I have a number of things I want to say. Deep things. I’m not really one to have a lot of superficial conversations. They bore me, and I’d rather be alone reading or thinking about something deep than be in a superficial conversation. So, I haven’t really been slacking, I’ve been putting it off because I want to introduce myself a little. And so I can get used to the way I think and how it comes out in my writing style. It always makes so much sense in my head and my hope is that I can translate that energy into words that makes sense for the reader as well.

The very fact that I’m attempting to apologize for and explain my slacking should tell you, at least, that I am aware of it and working on it. I will get better. And because I may have very few, if any, readers at this point, (unless you’ve found this blog by accident because I have not put it out there or promoted it in any way yet), this is mostly reassurance for myself. I’m recognizing my patterns, I am aware of my fears and hesitations and because I know myself, I know I’m moving forward.

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Sweat

I decided that sweat was what was missing, at this point in time, to help pull me up out of my Funk. This morning I would do a more vigorous workout and listen to some *music that motivates me.

A slight speed-walk/jog to get warmed up, squats, with and without the bar, lunges, without weights for now, jumping-jacks, push-ups and stretches. Ok, maybe it sounds easy, but I’ve been mostly just walking for the last 8 months or so, maybe more. Yeesh! Lazy!

I mean, don’t get me wrong, walking is very beneficial, and some would say better than running which is very hard on your joints. But, it’s also very soft energy, too much time thinking, not enough doing, at least for me. However, in the interest of knowing and honouring myself, I recognize there was a period of time in which that is what I needed; I slowed down and took time. Something I actually had to learn the hard way, as I will eventually explain in a later post.

This morning, after my more vigorous workout, I do feel more motivated. This is even my second post for the day. Which, I need to do because I have quite a few days of slacking with no posts to make up for.

Because of certain things I have learned about myself, through years of observation, (yes, you can observe yourself and I believe one should––don’t just go blindly through life never thinking about what and why you do what you do), and through examination of my LifePrintOS profile, I knew this “sweat” approach would help me. I have a good amount of motivational performance energy in my LifePrint under a High Achiever archetype so I am very goal-oriented.

Walking is a great exercise and it’s calmer softer energy plays to my “Connector” energies in my LifePrint by giving me time alone to connect with myself and move my body while doing so. However, I now knew it was time to get motivation going by tapping into my “Optimizer” energy, the one that likes to get the maximum benefit for the minimum effort. Playing to my goal-oriented High Achiever archetype, I knew I could do this by working up a sweat. In this case, the “sweat” was the goal. And tomorrow morning I’ll know if I hit the other target if I realize it’s hard to sit down––I like knowing I put in a good effort and the sore muscles are confirmation; I said sore muscles, not injuries, let’s be clear. Considering that my legs feel a bit like jelly when I go down the stairs I think there’s a good chance I achieved.

It is very good to have this kind of information from LifePrint because I can use it to my advantage and also look at how certain situations might be a “disadvantage” or rather, I can know where my susceptibilities are and look at how to turn it around by using other energies in my LifePrint to compliment and make up for the perceived disadvantages. And this, of course, lights up my achiever reward centres too because one of my other major “goals” is to know myself. To know what makes me tick, what lights me up, what motivates me, what I need to watch for and how to bolster my susceptibilities.

Time to get the motivation flowing, so for now, I work up a sweat in the mornings, before anyone else gets up. I start the day achieving and it makes way for more achievements.

*There was a period of time when I was running a lot; it doesn’t agree with my body, but I enjoy it SO MUCH! This is a list I made to motivate me through the first 10K race I ever signed up for. The original list was a little different as I have since added and subtracted from it, but this it what keeps my going when I do still occasionally go for a run.

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In a Funk

This is what I call it when I can’t seem to shake a cloud over me; a lack of motivation. It took me three days to get out the previous post and it was “crap”. I’ve got crap in quotes because it just is what it is. It’s not like it was total crap but I felt I could have done better. Except, I couldn’t because if I could have I would have! That was all that was flowing out of me.

So, I had to examine: what the heck has got me in this funk? (I mean aside from the world being in the whole stupid “pandemic” situation and people ignoring all the good news about masks not really being effective and the PCR tests being unreliable and therefore making lockdowns based on these tests illegal, and of course the survival rate being 99%––How can people not be relieved when they hear this news?? “Oh you mean I don’t have to wear this stupid mask everywhere I go, hide out in my home, never see my friends, and let my grandma die alone in what has basically become her prison? That’s great news! Anyway, I digress.)

I am usually a very motivated person, it takes a lot to get me down. The first thing I look at when I do feel down is: did I get a good sleep last night? Or for the last few nights in a row? I do not do well with no sleep (my husband might say that’s an understatement); feeling tired is maybe literally the only thing that can get me down. If I feel down, the answer to that question is usually, “No, I didn’t.” But, if I know I have been getting to bed early, sleeping enough hours and waking up at a consistent time and I still don’t feel like I can muster the gusto, what’s next? Have I been eating well? Is there something in my diet I should be avoiding for a while? (Yes, coffee, but I’m still enjoying a cup as I write this––even people who are dedicated to their growth have vices… it just smells so good and tastes so yummy!) Where am I at in my cycle? I have noticed that I have better sleep, or lack of sleep, at certain points in my cycle. Have I spent time with God lately? Yes, lots. Prayer? Meditation? Maybe not enough quiet meditation. Am I bored? The truth is I have lots of work to keep me busy, though I do miss seeing lots of people, working with a team, things like that. Anyway, my point is I look at the Funk and ask what is this? and what can I do about it?

Then I remembered, I have not run in a very long time. I really enjoy running but it doesn’t agree with my body, for now. I get up and walk every morning on the treadmill, or sometimes outside with a friend who lives nearby. I realized, however, that what I am missing was the energized feeling that came from more vigorous exercise. (This is where I start to introduce some concepts from LifePrintOS, a system I use in my practice.) I have a High Achiever archetype so I feel best when I accomplish and the “accomplished” feeling that comes from a good workout would not only give me the jumpstart I’m looking for; it’s also a good thing to honour and respect my body by challenging it and giving it what it needs.

That may not seem like a ground-breaking realization, but one of my main tenets is that it is important for one to know oneself. And that is where I’m going with these posts.

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Aim

So, I haven’t been that great at keeping up the post a day for a 100 days commitment––I’ve let a few days slide here and there. I also told myself when I started this, though, that I would be kind to myself and give myself the space I needed to do that if I needed to. My family is still young and requires a lot of time.

It matters that I can pay attention to what my kids need, what my husband needs and, of course, what I need. And this last one is important, because it’s kind of the whole point I’m doing any of this in the first place: what do I need? There was definitely a time when I didn’t even stop to ask that question, I thought I had to be what everyone needed me to be. The difference now is that I actually have the space and margin in my life to do all that and make time for my projects.

The main reason that I gave myself the 100 Days challenge was to have a goal in mind, even if I didn’t do exactly 100 posts in 100 days––I will do 100 posts, it just may take me longer than 100 days. I know that I work best when I have a goal in mind, a target to aim for. I know this about myself so, naturally, I will use it to my advantage; that’s the point. This goal of writing a post a day for 100 days is also meant to help me get into the habit and flow of writing, which it has, to an extent.

Another thing that causes resistance within me is that sometimes my thoughts are bigger than the space I have to write. It takes a while to form my thoughts, to put them into words that can somehow manage to convey what I am thinking. Why? Because I think a lot. I don’t mean this in a presumptuous way, just that I think a lot and I don’t always know where to start. What matters is that I write and that I do it often. So, no more procrastinating because I feel uninspired, or too inspired. It is time now, to stick to my task and do what I set out to do. One day at a time.

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Missing: You Don’t Know What You’ve Got ’til it’s Gone

I miss singing. I had no idea this would ever be something I would miss. But, now that it’s practically illegal (who actually comes up with this shit?!?!), I miss it so much.

It’s not even the signing I miss as much as the unity/unison I could experience through it. I’m not a singer by any stretch, not really even in the shower, but I used to sing every week at church with about a thousand other people, maybe more. There is something about signing in praise and worship, it’s called heart coherence, that feels amazing.

I don’t think I could specifically say “I think I’m missing the feeling of coherence,” if I wasn’t intentionally conscious of my mental, emotional and spiritual state. I don’t think it’s one of those immediately obvious things you know you are missing, like food on the other hand––you know when you are missing food because your stomach likes to remind you with a very noticeable grumble. No, this is more like a deep yearning of the soul kind of missing; aching to create unity and harmony with other people. I know I can do that each time I meditate, and I still do that, but I guess I’m just missing the whole experience of it: the crowds, the music, the singing, feeling God right there in the midst of us.

I’m sure, because of my somewhat rebellious nature, that part of this also has to do with the simple fact that we’ve been “told” not to sing, so naturally that’s what I want to do. “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.” “What? What curtain? What man? Where? I wanna see!” It’s like, “No singing!” “Do, Re, Me, Fa, So…. what were you saying?”

So, I have decided that, in addition to the personal growth things I am focusing on during meditation, I am going to set aside special time, even if it’s just a few minutes while I’m drifting off to sleep, to visualize and really feel and experience what it would be like to be singing at church again. And I am going to do this everyday until we’re physically “allowed” to again.

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Haircut

I got my haircut yesterday––yes, I know, I’m a rebel. Or maybe the person who cut my hair is a rebel. Maybe we both are. Personally, I see nothing criminal about getting a haircut, but the way things are going these days, people are being treated like criminals for a heck of a lot less; just for daring to breathe freely while buying groceries, for example.

But anyway, that’s not what this post is about. Because I went and got my bootleg haircut, my eight-year-old daughter wanted one too. And, because you can’t just go out and get a haircut these day, she wanted me to do it.

Aside from the haircut I gave my two-year-old sister when I was four, and maybe the infamous self-directed bangs that seem to be a rite of passage for all teenage girls, I have never cut hair. What I can appreciate here in this situation is my daughters complete confidence in my ability to give her what she wants. I told her I have basically zero experience in cutting hair and that I had to first see if I even still had the pair of old hairstyling shears which, despite the fact that I never cut hair, I do still have. (Ask me where they came from, I couldn’t really tell you; probably my dad because he seems to think it’s important to be prepared for every situation with items that you would rarely use otherwise––thanks Dad!) Nonetheless, none of these minor attempts to discourage the idea that I should be the one to cut her hair deterred my daughter.

I watched a few videos about how to layer hair and how to cut curly hair, etc. I know a thing or two about taking care of curly hair thanks to my own curls, but I never cut my own hair. However, we are in extraordinary circumstances and I’m sure many people have resorted to experimenting with things they never would have otherwise. One of the beautiful things about this is that I am learning that I am capable of so much more than I have given myself credit for.

So I cut the girls hair. I did it. I decided not to go too short so that we’d have room to get it fixed if I totally botched it. But guess what? It turned out very well! If I had a day-job I wouldn’t be quitting it, as the saying goes. But, my daughter trusted me with her look and I did something new because of it. After I cut it, we washed her hair and I showed her how to properly care for curly hair––because up to this point she would just brush it into a frizz. We washed it with special shampoo to clean it up, then washed it with conditioner to help smooth the frizz. I showed her that a more delicate, smooth towel, or even an old t-shirt to squeeze out the excess water will reduce frizz. We put in a special curl cream and then diffused it. I showed her a whole new routine; it was time just for the two of us. And she gets to go back to school with a “new look” after the Christmas break.

Sometimes, being a mom can feel like a thankless job. But moments like this make me realize how much she values me, my input and the little things I can do to care for her. And that is a gift.