Tag: pain

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Friends

What does it mean to be friends with someone? Do you have to like the same things? Do stuff together? Agree on everything?

It’s hard to imagine a time more trying on friendships than 2020. Even close family members fell apart and went separate way. Friends we maybe thought we’d have for life suddenly seem so different and we find ourselves really coming to terms with which friendships are worth the effort of maintaining.

What do you do when things are otherwise amicable but one half of the friendship decides that the other half’s views are too different? The old, it’s not you, it’s me cliche formerly often used in romantic breakup comes to mind. Which, according to how things go these days, even that is a thing of the past; unfortunately “ghosting” is more common these days, and friendships can suffer breakups just like romantic relationships. But we don’t seem to talk about this much as a society, do we?

What does it look like when friends break up? When a romance breaks up one of the big questions is who keeps the friends? When friends breakup nobody does. And how do you know when it’s time to say goodbye? Often, it happens naturally and the friends drift apart. Sometimes you have a falling out, which can be very painful. Occasionally, one half decides to break it off rather abruptly with no explanation. But, how often do we ever sit down and have a conversation about where things our going with our friendships?

What would it look like if we were more intentional about our relationships? Not just the familial ones or the romantic ones, but the ones we call friendships, too? Have you ever had a conversation with a friend when it just became obvious to one or both of you that the friendship probably couldn’t last much longer without major efforts on one or both part? And, if it comes to this point, how do you decide if it’s worth it? If it’s at this point, is it worth it?

In our throw-away society, there’s a lot of potential for missed opportunities to really grow, and even shine, on the other side of difficult conversations. Too often we end the relationship because we convince ourselves that comfort is more valuable than the growth that is experienced on the other side of discomfort.

It may be that the friendship has run its course and we have received all that we were able to from that relationship. Even when this is the case, it’s still something to grieve. Something to appreciate. It is ok to mourn the loss of a friendship, even if it was dying of natural causes, and we need to give ourselves permission to do so. Grief, when taken with a healthy dose of gratitude, serves us in letting go and having appreciation for what was, and is no longer.

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Control

So 2020 is almost over, and this year has been a real ride. It’s not over yet and I’m sure there are still many more surprises to come as we have basically entered a decade of challenges; challenges to the systems that are no longer working and/or serving us; challenges to the way we do things and the challenges that go along with adapting to new ways of doing things. And most of all, challenges to the way we think, feel, grow and change.

Many people are still choosing to live in the consciousness of fear and the invisible killer virus that isn’t really killing more people than would already die in an average year. But for most people that would even be reading this blog, many of us have realized this is all about control, or rather fear of the loss of control by those who currently possess it and an ever unquenchable thirst for more.

The one question that has been on my mind lately is “What is this need for control?” Why are there people who want to know everything about everything we do? What is this weird need/desire for them to reach in and have access to literally every facet of our lives? Why do they want to know about all our little habits and nuances to be able to market to us more efficiently and control our every movement for profit that can’t be taken with them when they die anyway? What happened to raising up people who would believe in themselves and who would subsequently do better and be better for society?

This need/desire to be in control has created problems that require evermore elaborate “solutions”, like the helicopter parent that has to forever be present because the need to control every circumstance has stifled the growth that would otherwise have superseded the need for control in the first place.

I once worked for someone who I noticed would become much more micro-managerial whenever they were more stressed about some issue that they had no control over––the seeming loss of control in one area would cause them to grasp for control in other areas, making things very uncomfortable, often creating more senseless work for others in their environment. Isn’t it interesting that our need for control causes us to grasp tighter thereby causing more havoc that we then feel also needs to be controlled?

It’s not new, but I found this need most recently in myself during a healing session for a rather intense pain in my arm. What was I not wanting to let go of? What was I trying to hold so tightly in my grip that it was causing pain in my physical body? (Thank you, Body, for that awareness. Thank you for bringing this to my attention so I could now let it go along with the pain it was causing.)

The thing is, control is an illusion anyway. Trying to hang on to it is like grasping play-dough in your fist, the tighter you squeeze, the more it oozes out of every little crack. How much more fun and creativity can we enjoy and express when we just allow it to flow and begin to take form and shape on its own?

The paradox is that the more we let go the more “control” we have. It’s the point where control makes way for surrender and surrender makes way for flow and flow makes way for ease. What else is possible when we give up the need for control?