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What an Amazing Day!

Sort of an ordinary day, really, nothing very unusual, but I guess that’s what I love about it–because I get to appreciate it. To live it and enjoy it and how does it get any more amazing than that?

In other ways, it was sort of an “out of the ordinary” day. Hubby and I have been at this hard for a only a couple months now–the tortillas and salsa business, I mean. It’s been about 6 months since he left his job to dive head first into finally pursuing the food business that we’ve been dabbling in for years.

We rocked it at the Mexican Pavilion of Folklorama this past summer and have been doing farmers markets and pop-ups ever since. We are doing really well, people are loving the product and we are receiving a very warm welcome to the market. So much so that we have formulated our business plan and we’re going after funding to build our own kitchen so we can scale up and expand our reach.

This weekend we attended three Christmas markets, one on Saturday and two on Sunday. We had two the weekend before that and one during the week. This meant a LOT of production time. For now, we make everything by hand; needless to say we are tired and ready for a good rest, and that’s what feels so great about today.

Today, we managed to pull off great sales at two busy markets thanks to help from our kids and a really great friend. Even dealing with a power outage this morning, (thank God we had everything laid out the night before and everything we needed to make our fresh samples in the morning!), we were cool, calm and collected.

We almost sold out of tortillas at one location, only two half-dozen packs left, and sold out of quesadillas at the other location. I picked up food on the way home and once home, we realized that the kids had done all the chores we set out for them, we came home to a tidy house and had time to enjoy dinner all together, play a game, watch a movie and get to bed at a decent hour. Simple pleasures that make life grand!

And that is why today is such an amazing day!

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Lucky

It’s the sweet simple moments, moments that I am so fortunate to experience often; my daughters laughing together or doing cartwheels in the living room; or watching my artsy girl quietly drawing, coloring and creating at the table while I work in the kitchen.

My heart swells, and I find myself asking, “how did I get so lucky?!” And Myself answers quickly, “It’s not luck. You fought damn hard for this. You paid for it with blood, sweat and tears; sleepless nights and silent prayers; promises whispered to God in the depths of your heart. No, it’s not luck Babe, it’s the life you made.”

I’m sure I had my own moments of doing cartwheels in the house, or climbing the walls as a kid. I know I had fun moments, building forts and playing all sorts of games with my sister, and with family. But it feels like someone else lived those moments. A whole part of me fell away… drifted into another lifetime; I vaguely remember my childhood.

I know that I have wonderful memories of my grandma’s farm. In the summer, waking up with the sun shining early, all kinds of birds singing their own songs in the morning and all throughout the day. I remember the fridge/freezer she kept in the garage with all her borscht and headcheese on one side and all the Popsicles, Revel-O’s and Freezies on the other side. I remember “sock-hops” and airbands at school, book orders, and Barbies. I remember Christmas with cousins–perogies with ham, farmer sausage and cream gravy. Swimming at the public pool in town, road trips to Mexico every year, piñatas and late night parties.

I remember these things; I know they happened, but the sweetness of them seems so far away, clouded through a fog of never feeling heard as a child; not being allowed to feel or express myself, heaps of shame foisted upon me what seemed like daily (about what? for what? why? I’ll likely never know–just for being, I guess); bullied and ostracized at school, my family falling apart, innocence lost too young–or rather not lost but buried under the weight of forced maturity and responsibility.

I find myself asking, “Are my kids living a ‘normal’ life?” Does anyone? What would a ‘normal’ life even feel like? Are there people who grow up without feeling guilty and ashamed on a daily basis? Is this a generational thing? I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing a good job. I have done a great job of working through so much of that “trauma”, stuff I didn’t even realize was ‘trauma’. In a way, I’m still not even sure it was trauma… it’s just part of life, isn’t it? It’s helped shape me, helped me become who I am today.

Either way, I am vigilant. I watch over my home and my heart. I watch over my kids hearts and my husbands heart. I don’t want anything to steal their joy. The warmth of a life well-lived. I don’t want anything to sour life’s sweet little moments.

I LOVE these little moments, moments when I can quietly clean my kitchen and watch and listen to my kids just being kids, being and expressing themselves. I hope that they will be able to remember and reminisce together about these times. I know I cherish all of these little moments, when I get to soak in the simplicity of life, to be Myself and be in the moment, and know that I’m so fucking lucky!

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Motherhood

I’m cleaning tables at a cafe where I volunteer regularly and there’s a couple moms with their little ones. One of them is about to nurse her baby. It’s a little baby, still in that “feed me right now” frantic stage. Not crying, or even making a fuss, but as a mom having been there many times, if she doesn’t get the latch down right away, things could become a lot more frantic, real quick!

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for the time I had to be with each of my girls, but I do not miss those frantic moments, sore nipples, wondering if people are watching me, wondering if I’ll ever feel like I’m getting it right. Oh my goodness, so many thoughts went through my head in those moments, but mostly it was the fear of failing, of getting it “wrong”.

Motherhood brings up a lot, I guess parenthood in general, but since I’m only a mom and I can only relate from my own experience, I’ll just talk about motherhood. No matter how confident you were before, you suddenly start to wonder if you’re “doing it right”, “getting it right”. Suddenly all the things you judged your own mom for not having done better become crystal clear and you find yourself wondering how she was able to do everything she did. Suddenly my own mom seems superhuman… Or is that just me?

Do other women feel this way? Do we all ask ourselves these questions?

It’s been a few years. I’ve had four babies. I’ve learned a few things, most of the time I still feel like I have a lot to learn. Mostly, what feels best is that I’ve learned about myself.

When I find myself worrying that I’m “getting it wrong”, I remind myself that my kids came to Me. They could have been born to any other mom, but they came to me because I have exactly what their souls were also looking for when they came to this life. I remember that it must have been the same for me and then traumas don’t feel like traumas anymore because I know I was exactly where I needed to be to learn what I need to learn. To grow and evolve and offer a different lesson to myself, to my family and essentially to the world.

I’ve learned that I’m amazing in my own way. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I have an energy that draws people to me, other people who are also looking for growth, people who are not afraid of challenges and not afraid to challenge me to grow as well.

Sometimes letting go is hard, but I have an amazing capacity to forgive and be compassionate. Mostly, it’s hard to let go of guilt, that it’s somehow my fault, that I could have done better. Maybe I could have, but it’s also ok to make mistakes and to love myself through that. I apologize and take responsibility when I’m wrong. I look to innerstand which button got pushed and how can I soften that trigger; what is it actually touching that hurts? I examine myself and ask if, when I “got it wrong”, was I BEing in my highest integrity? Was I operating out of love? And if the answer is Yes, it can’t possibly be wrong. If the answer is no, I look to come back to Love. Come back to the Authoritative Love that is my guiding principle, my way of BEing. It’s all I can do and It. Is. Enough.

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Sweat

I decided that sweat was what was missing, at this point in time, to help pull me up out of my Funk. This morning I would do a more vigorous workout and listen to some *music that motivates me.

A slight speed-walk/jog to get warmed up, squats, with and without the bar, lunges, without weights for now, jumping-jacks, push-ups and stretches. Ok, maybe it sounds easy, but I’ve been mostly just walking for the last 8 months or so, maybe more. Yeesh! Lazy!

I mean, don’t get me wrong, walking is very beneficial, and some would say better than running which is very hard on your joints. But, it’s also very soft energy, too much time thinking, not enough doing, at least for me. However, in the interest of knowing and honouring myself, I recognize there was a period of time in which that is what I needed; I slowed down and took time. Something I actually had to learn the hard way, as I will eventually explain in a later post.

This morning, after my more vigorous workout, I do feel more motivated. This is even my second post for the day. Which, I need to do because I have quite a few days of slacking with no posts to make up for.

Because of certain things I have learned about myself, through years of observation, (yes, you can observe yourself and I believe one should––don’t just go blindly through life never thinking about what and why you do what you do), and through examination of my LifePrintOS profile, I knew this “sweat” approach would help me. I have a good amount of motivational performance energy in my LifePrint under a High Achiever archetype so I am very goal-oriented.

Walking is a great exercise and it’s calmer softer energy plays to my “Connector” energies in my LifePrint by giving me time alone to connect with myself and move my body while doing so. However, I now knew it was time to get motivation going by tapping into my “Optimizer” energy, the one that likes to get the maximum benefit for the minimum effort. Playing to my goal-oriented High Achiever archetype, I knew I could do this by working up a sweat. In this case, the “sweat” was the goal. And tomorrow morning I’ll know if I hit the other target if I realize it’s hard to sit down––I like knowing I put in a good effort and the sore muscles are confirmation; I said sore muscles, not injuries, let’s be clear. Considering that my legs feel a bit like jelly when I go down the stairs I think there’s a good chance I achieved.

It is very good to have this kind of information from LifePrint because I can use it to my advantage and also look at how certain situations might be a “disadvantage” or rather, I can know where my susceptibilities are and look at how to turn it around by using other energies in my LifePrint to compliment and make up for the perceived disadvantages. And this, of course, lights up my achiever reward centres too because one of my other major “goals” is to know myself. To know what makes me tick, what lights me up, what motivates me, what I need to watch for and how to bolster my susceptibilities.

Time to get the motivation flowing, so for now, I work up a sweat in the mornings, before anyone else gets up. I start the day achieving and it makes way for more achievements.

*There was a period of time when I was running a lot; it doesn’t agree with my body, but I enjoy it SO MUCH! This is a list I made to motivate me through the first 10K race I ever signed up for. The original list was a little different as I have since added and subtracted from it, but this it what keeps my going when I do still occasionally go for a run.

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Aim

So, I haven’t been that great at keeping up the post a day for a 100 days commitment––I’ve let a few days slide here and there. I also told myself when I started this, though, that I would be kind to myself and give myself the space I needed to do that if I needed to. My family is still young and requires a lot of time.

It matters that I can pay attention to what my kids need, what my husband needs and, of course, what I need. And this last one is important, because it’s kind of the whole point I’m doing any of this in the first place: what do I need? There was definitely a time when I didn’t even stop to ask that question, I thought I had to be what everyone needed me to be. The difference now is that I actually have the space and margin in my life to do all that and make time for my projects.

The main reason that I gave myself the 100 Days challenge was to have a goal in mind, even if I didn’t do exactly 100 posts in 100 days––I will do 100 posts, it just may take me longer than 100 days. I know that I work best when I have a goal in mind, a target to aim for. I know this about myself so, naturally, I will use it to my advantage; that’s the point. This goal of writing a post a day for 100 days is also meant to help me get into the habit and flow of writing, which it has, to an extent.

Another thing that causes resistance within me is that sometimes my thoughts are bigger than the space I have to write. It takes a while to form my thoughts, to put them into words that can somehow manage to convey what I am thinking. Why? Because I think a lot. I don’t mean this in a presumptuous way, just that I think a lot and I don’t always know where to start. What matters is that I write and that I do it often. So, no more procrastinating because I feel uninspired, or too inspired. It is time now, to stick to my task and do what I set out to do. One day at a time.

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Signs

Do you believe in signs and communication from the other side, the afterlife, the spiritual realm? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a ghost or had one speak to me, but I do think there are ways that sometimes our loved ones reach out and communicate with us. Probably it’s not even reserved for those who have passed away, but also for those people that we have a soul connection to.

This Christmas, I was really being reminded of my grandma and the warm, loving presence she always was (is) in my life. Though I may not physically have her in my life anymore, it seems as though the universe conspired to send me little hints of her, this year especially. First, there was the box of Cadbury chocolate covered cookie fingers someone had gifted to my husband; then, there was the homemade Christmas candy that my grandma always used to make. I thought about trying to get the recipe for it this year, and my aunt gifted me some, out of the blue; I hadn’t even mentioned to her that I’d been thinking of the recipe. And then, my dad gave me a beautiful red poinsettia for Christmas––my grandma always had to have a bright red poinsettia for Christmas, always, sometimes more than one.

A couple of years ago, I made a point of starting some of the traditions that made Christmas special for me with our kids. I commissioned some stockings that were similar to the ones that she always gave to us kids filled them with licorice allsorts, candy canes, mandarin oranges and Hershey’s kisses. This year I got everything but the kisses––as we all know, it’s been a weird year and I’ve been to the stores as little as possible, so I may have missed a few things.

Anyway, I really felt like she was saying Hi to me this year. My grandma never imposed, she just always had a way of being there, a constant comfort. Her place was where I went anytime I needed to decompress, let my hair down or just be in good company. I think of her often and, with all those signs, I felt like she really wanted me to know that she was thinking of me too; a constant comfort, just as always.

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Church 2.0

I am so proud of my church! Way to go! This feels more like what I have been waiting for during the whole “pandemic”*. Not backing down when they want to shut down drive-in churches. And man was I proud of my pastor when he called out the fear-mongering media!

I had a moment about a month or so ago, when I had gone into my church and things just didn’t feel the same. I was alone, as my husband wasn’t able to come with me that day. My kids were in classes, all distanced in a giant gymnasium, (not signing songs, playing games and making crafts together in their regular classrooms). And, there was a real absence of all the bright, beautiful colours and sounds of all the families greeting each other with big smiles. Actually, there was an absence of smiles in general. So, hence my first article about Church. But I get it, it was not the church’s fault that I felt that way, they are doing the best they can–and it’s a lot! Also, I don’t always feel that way–I had a moment and I wrote about it.

To be clear, my church has been doing amazing things all throughout the “pandemic”. They opened up their cafes and playgrounds all throughout the summer and I would take my kids there often and even meet up with friends or have date nights with my hubby sometimes. I remember the first time they opened their cafe in the spring, it had probably been about 2 months since my kids had been anywhere and I almost cried (tears of joy) when I walked through the doors to get my coffee while the kids played in the playground. Sometimes, as an introvert, I forget how much I need other people and places.

I am really relieved to see our church making a stand. And I am even more happy about all the many people who maybe aren’t regular church-goers but who are coming out to support the church because they recognize the threat to rights and freedoms that is becoming more and more evident these days.

I realize that some people are against the drive-in church concept simply because they are against church, or they are against God/Jesus. They don’t realize that Jesus was a radical who stood for everybody’s freedom, even the people who wouldn’t accept him. He thought our freedom was so important he was willing to die for it. He was so into freedom that even death could not restrain him. Talk about being sold out for a cause.

(Yes, I said “pandemic”, I’m one of those. Insert eyeroll if you feel like it. This is my blog so I’ll write what’s on my mind, understanding that my views do not necessarily represent the views of my clients or anyone else for that matter because we are all INDIVIDUALS!)

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Church

Yes, I go to church. I love my church, I have been attending the same one since 2003. It is where I first realized that God wanted me to live a full and joyful life. A life of significance with which I could impact others and they too would see how much they are loved and valued.

I volunteered, I joined many study groups and got to know many people who I would call my church family; they visited me when I was sick in the hospital, I dedicated all my children there, they held me as I cried when one of my kids was going through a difficult time. My church was a place that I could always walk into and feel welcomed. No matter what kind of day I was having I would always feel better when I walked out of there.

Today was the first time that I walked in and out of my church and felt invisible. I am heartbroken at the separation that has leaked into even the church due to all the extreme covid measures. Everyone masked, everyone separate.

I felt so alone. It felt worse than when I go into the grocery store, a restaurant or any other public place because at least in those places I don’t expect people to be full of faith.

It’s one thing to temporarily close public places for two weeks, (maybe even four), as we were initially told back in March, but now we’re going on nine MONTHS with no end in sight. I see the church, people and governments bowing down to the false god of “science”and the mainstream media. It has become tyranny and oppression.

I imagined God’s people, people of faith, standing shoulder to shoulder, singing his praises; loving and supporting one another; trusting in him and the gifts of health and prosperity that he has endowed upon us along with the gift of reconciliation and forgiveness through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Today I just felt invisible.

One thing I know in my heart of hearts: what we are doing right now is not something a loving God would ask us to do. Jesus touched lepers, the outcasts of society, and healed them, he spoke to, healed, forgave and loved those that others wouldn’t associate with–Samaritans, the demon-possessed, adulterers, the woman with the issue of blood, so many examples.. and not once have I read about him masking up, hiding at home or keeping a 2 meter bubble around himself to do it.

Disclaimer: my views do not necessarily represent those of the church I attend, nor the Christian faith as a whole, unfortunately.

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I Don’t Have a Choice…

This morning someone said to me “I really don’t have a choice” and it made me realize that Choice is actually the only thing we DO have.

Because of constructs like social and cultural programming, past experiences and our beliefs about them, and how new experiences get filtered through those beliefs, etc most of us live our whole lives believing we “don’t have a choice,” that things have to be a certain way because that’s how they’ve always been.  “I can’t ____ because of what people would think,” “I don’t have enough time to ____” et cetera, fill in your excuse.

We don’t own Time, we don’t own other peoples’ feelings, reactions or schedules, we don’t own the weather… the only thing we can really OWN are the choices we make in every moment.

How we feel about those choices is another matter, of course. But the fact is we can choose in every moment, and knowing that opens up a world of possibilities. Take stock of your thoughts for a week. What do you often find yourself saying you “can’t” do? Ask yourself, “What would happen if I chose something different this time?” You don’t even need to know the answer, just be open to the possibilities that come with another choice.

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Relationships

When I was around 18-20 years old, I received the two best pieces of dating advice I’ve ever heard; when the topic comes up and I am asked my opinion, I have shared this advice and have noticed that those I share it with are moved to genuine thoughtfulness and reflection so I thought I’d share those little treasures here. They are simple and insightful.

  1. The person you end up spending your life with should make you a better person, ie bring out the best in you. At first glance this can seem like obvious advice, but there are people in your life that have the ability to make you feel amazing and yet they can distract you off the path toward your Best Self. As I have matured, I have made a point to honestly and sincerely love and accept people exactly where they’re at, that includes Myself, so this is not about being unhappy with who I AM (or who someone else is), it’s about taking steps that move me toward the best version of Myself.  Someone who helps you become your Best Self tells you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear, and holds you accountable to standards of your Best Self while loving you as you are. What this actually looks like is different for everybody. Which brings me to the second piece of advice:
  2. Know what you can live with and what you can’t. Before you even get into a relationship, you need to know a few things about Yourself. You need to know your Must Haves – anyone you want a relationship with must have these qualities that you highly value. Do not imagine that they will develop these qualities over time by spending time with you, or worse, by nagging them to change; your I Can Deal With Thats – these are qualities, (or habits etc) that a person does or doesn’t have and you know you’ll be ok if you have deal with it, or the absence of it, for the rest of your life; , and your No Gos – these are things that you know you don’t ever want to deal with, qualities that you really can’t stand. Knowing where you stand on all these types of qualities is important for a couple reasons: 1) you have to assume that this person will always possess these qualities and that they will never change no matter how much you love them or how much they love you; 2) the qualities that you value and/or can’t live with will guide you on your path to your Best Self. If the qualities possessed by the person you are considering a relationship with line up nicely with your Must Haves, I Can Deal With Thats and your No Gos, this person will help you stay the course on the path to your Best Self by virtue of just being his/herself. And, you won’t waste your time and efforts trying to change someone else or adapting your Self to conform to something you knew you didn’t want to live with in the first place.

These two pieces of advice were given to me in regards to choosing a marriage partner, but over the years I have come to apply these measures to all the relationships in my life. I think about them as I choose my friends, acquaintances and business associates and it has served me very well. I love the life I have built and am excited about where it continues to lead. And, whether they do or not, I have to assume that people are applying the same measure when deciding to include me in their lives. I ask Myself, “is the way I’m speaking/behaving/living my life what I would value in a friend or partner?”