Integrative Medicine Specialist, Intuitive Coach
If I had you by my side
What would I do?
You would see me
I would see you
A thread as old as time itself
Connects us at the heart
There is no end
There is no start
Time, it passes
And yet stands still
One moment or a lifetime
I never get my fill
Your thoughts at times call out to me
They stir me to my soul
A dream, a whisper, a chance
The fleeting glance we stole
My mentor, Kelly Notaras, (ok, she’s not my mentor, but I’m just going to pretend because it sounds fancier and because I took her writing class and bought her book and she’s fabulous), says it’s not a writing practice if you’re not writing. So, for today, because it’s been a good, long, full day, I’m just going to write about something light. Just for fun. Just for practice.
I’m going to do this post, and likely a series of other posts, as stream of consciousness style so that I can just let the thoughts flow and practice writing.
My husband swears he was a Viking in another life. Well, actually, sometimes he also says he’s a viking in this life. He is not Vikingly in stature. In fact he is short, dark and handsome. But still, he likes to tell new people that we’ve only just met that he’s half Mexican and half Scandinavian. He loves to joke like this and I always make it obvious that he’s joking because I can’t help but laugh. Though I have to wonder now if this is a relief for people who feel like they can’t exclaim, “Really?!” in great surprise, out of politeness and yet that is exactly what they would love to do.
It’s ok because I’m pretty sure I was Jamaican in some other lifetime, at least that’s the way I would have it. I would be jammin’ with Bob Marley, or at least with my friends at his concerts while we sit on the beach banging tambourines or smoking pot. I definitely lived somewhere hot and in the sunshine, none of this cold winter weather!
How many lifetimes have I lived? How many more will I live? Is there ever a home-coming time when I finally get to just enjoy my graduation?
It has become quite apparent to me within the past 6 that I need to write and share my story.
So, I took a brief, but very useful and encouraging, writing course online with Reid Tracy and Kelly Notaras. Then, I bought Kelly Notaras book, The Book You Were Born to Write. She says in order to be a writer all you really need to do is write; you need a writing practice. In the book, she acknowledges her hope that the reader would write something after each section.
The truth is, I had made my 100 Days commitment even before I’d take the writing course or started reading her book. And, I’ve already written probably two posts about how I’ve been slacking off on this commitment. It’s probably not realistic to write everyday when you have small children around-–that was probably the most common excuse I was telling myself. And although it’s valid, it’s still an excuse. Then I was procrastinating my writing because the things I have to say are not always the easiest to write about––but who cares? No one is reading this blog right now, no one but me! “Stop making excuses!” I tell myself.
But then I remind myself about the physics of progress; and knowing the way I am, I need to establish a writing habit first and then get into the nitty gritty stuff, while allowing space for the nitty gritty to flow naturally whenever that is the case.
So, here I go, practising: Today I read about the difference between traditional publishing and self-publishing and what’s involved in each avenue. Regardless of which avenue I pursue, it’s evident to me that I need to begin, or rather resume, building my audience. Though, with self-publishing this is less of a deterrent as I can start and publish without having a large audience; traditional publishers, because of the way the business works now, they basically won’t even look in your direction if you don’t bring a large audience to the table.
Given that I feel pretty shy about telling my story, I would probably prefer writing it without a huge audience at first, I really like to process my own thoughts before sharing them. Either way, it’s a beast. Writing a book, is a big undertaking. It’s also a path of self-discovery and that is what I’m most looking forward to. That, and all the people I will meet and get to know along the way!
I’m noticing a lot of resistance to doing these blog posts. Not just the blog posts, but an online group series that I’ve been working on, in my head, for a couple months now. I mean, resistance from myself. I find a lot of excuses. They are good excuses, like stuff that actually needs to get done, but it leads me away all too easily. It doesn’t just lead me away, it’s a comfort. It’s stuff I can do that doesn’t have me putting myself out there and being vulnerable.
Why can’t I get all this stuff I want to say out onto the page? What is holding me back? I am simultaneously afraid that I will be amazing and also a major flop; that no one will want to hear what I have to say and that I won’t be able to keep up with being “a success”, whatever that means. It’s a perfect way to do nothing!
I asked a friend/colleague today if she was afraid when she first started teaching. She is so natural, and when I participate in her classes and calls, you would never know that she’s nervous and everything flows. She said she’s always scared but that she chooses to expand her life anyway. It was brief but it was exactly what I needed to hear.
I believe it was Mandela who said that “Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it”. It’s ok to be scared but do the thing anyway. I know this is what I need. I may have to tell myself this a few times before it really sinks in, but making the decision to do it scared is an important part of the process. I am working on my process. I have made the decision and I’m on my way to unstoppable.
Are there things you would love to be doing? Things that you know would expand your life? What’s stopping you? Would you like to know what the unstoppable you looks and feels like? Ask me how.
I have a lot to say. Typically it’s deep stuff, not your first-date kind of conversation. I’ve noticed a lot of people don’t like this or can’t handle it; I get it, it’s not comfortable looking at stuff that challenges your belief systems. I’m not saying this to imply that I’m better than anyone or that I’ve got it all figured out, but I’ve learned how to lean in. To lean in and look at what’s behind that discomfort.
This morning, a lot of great stuff came up during my morning exercise/meditation routine that I wanted to write about and I was going to get to that as soon as the kids were off to school. But then, I started cleaning my kitchen. “Just quickly get the dishes into the dishwasher and clear the sink,” I told myself. But that turned into washing all the dishes that couldn’t go into the dishwasher, wiping down all the countertops, stove and table and sweeping, etc. I noticed I was procrastinating. I was putting off writing about all those things that are so important to me. Why? Because looking at stuff that challenges your belief systems is uncomfortable and I’ve struggled nearly all my life to believe that I matter.
Putting my thoughts down in writing makes them more tangible and real and only people who are smart enough or qualified enough (compared to who?) deserve to have a voice. At least that’s what I’ve struggled with: believing in myself; believing that I’m enough.
What if I fail miserably? What if I’m misunderstood? What if nobody even notices? So many what if’s, but the bottom line is this: the only thing that’s going to help me overcome the fear of not being good enough is to do the very thing I’m afraid I’m not good enough to do.
Even if, as I write these posts, no one else is reading them, there will come a day when others do see it. That is, after all, why I’m doing this, teaching myself how to tell my story and how to talk about it in a way that might benefit others or save them from going through the same crap. I have learned and been impacted by other people’s stories, and so it matters––my story is important.
I was using my clean house as a way to feel as though I’d accomplished something. Instead what I noticed is that I would have a cleaner house but I would still feel unaccomplished at the end of the day because I wasn’t doing the things that really matter; what I came here to do. I’d have a cleaner house but my heart would feel cluttered and weighed down with all the dreams I’ve left there tangled amongst the weeds of everyday life. And now I’m realizing I’d rather have a messy house and a clean heart. And, as I begin to cultivate those dreams and coax them out of my heart and into reality, the rest will follow.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s hypocrisy. I don’t like being told what to do on a good day, (I know, this is a flaw of mine, I’m working on it), but I hate being told what to do or not do by someone who will or won’t do those very same things. Even worse, those who make demands of others and in their manner of doing so contradict the very demands they are making.
I remember one time, when I was finishing up my last year of high school, I had arrived slightly late after lunch to my afternoon class. I was walking down the hall toward the classroom, still had my headphones in so I didn’t hear the principal when he called me. I was the only person in the hallway and I was steps away from my classroom door when I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Excuse me, I was calling you. Why are you ignoring me?” “I’m not ignoring you, I had my headphones in and I didn’t hear you.” “Come to my office please.” So I followed him to his office. “I’d like to know why you’re late to class.” “Umm… because you stopped me from going into my classroom and brought me here to your office.” That probably would have been enough, but I wanted to make my point, so I continued, “What you need to know about me, is that I’m 18, I’m an adult. I’m a year behind because I have a baby already, so I’m not here to mess around. If I’m a few minutes late, it’s because I have things to do. I was only two minutes late before, now I’m going to be 10 minutes late because rather than letting me go to class you have me here wasting your time and my time.” What could he possibly say to that? I went to class.
That was 20 years ago but it stuck out for me because it was just so ridiculous to me––even if I told him nothing about my situation, how does he justify making me later to a class I was about to step into just to ask me why I’m late??? What did he think he was accomplishing there?
Because I had my first baby at 17, I lived with my dad for the first year. That was a frustrating year, because my dad wanted to tell me how to do everything, or rather how not to do everything. Don’t do this and don’t do that, even though those were all things that he either almost always did with me (where else did I learn them?), or rarely did with me growing up.
I had a friend who offered to help me out with my social media at a “discounted friend rate”. They never gave me a proposal nor a plan for their services but then took the liberty to criticize and critique the content I started putting out after hiring someone else. Sorry buddy, but you had your chance to contribute to my message. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind receiving some criticism, but show me that you’re in a position to do so and I’m all ears.
I don’t care who you are, if you’re going to tell me what to do, at least make sure you are doing the same things yourself otherwise I’m not interested in what you have to say about it.
I noticed this a lot about 6-7 years ago when people were speaking out against being “fat shamed”. I saw a lot of angry posts online about how no one has the right to call them fat, or “yelling” at the proverbial bullies about how they have to love them (fat people) exactly as they are. Now, that’s just one example, and I’m not advocating or condemning any body type or size here, I’m merely using this example to point out that yelling at someone else to accept you exactly as you are and to shove it with their opinion of you is basically the opposite of what you are asking for, isn’t it?
If you are truly happy with yourself and loving the skin you’re in, there is no need to force it upon anyone else. The emphasis is on the wrong party. If you want people to love you exactly as you are, you need to love you exactly as you are.
My disdain for hypocrisy a pretty big part of why I have such an issue with what’s going on right now in the world. A government can’t say it’s acting in the best interests of the people they supposedly represent if they completely ignore the plight of the majority of the citizens. If the mask is supposed to be a health measure, don’t expect me to wear it without knowing a single thing about my health and my own personal situation. If all the research for the past few decades has said the opposite of what your new “science” is telling us now, and yet the new “science” somehow doesn’t apply to the people enforcing it, yeah sorry, I’m not convinced. This quote George Orwell’s Animal Farm about sums up what’s going on these days: “But some animals are more equal than others…”
The thing about not being a hypocrite is that you actually have to live consciously. You can’t be lazy and keep your word all the time. It takes effort and paying attention to not be a hypocrite; you have to live on purpose, own your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions.
What does it mean to be friends with someone? Do you have to like the same things? Do stuff together? Agree on everything?
It’s hard to imagine a time more trying on friendships than 2020. Even close family members fell apart and went separate way. Friends we maybe thought we’d have for life suddenly seem so different and we find ourselves really coming to terms with which friendships are worth the effort of maintaining.
What do you do when things are otherwise amicable but one half of the friendship decides that the other half’s views are too different? The old, it’s not you, it’s me cliche formerly often used in romantic breakup comes to mind. Which, according to how things go these days, even that is a thing of the past; unfortunately “ghosting” is more common these days, and friendships can suffer breakups just like romantic relationships. But we don’t seem to talk about this much as a society, do we?
What does it look like when friends break up? When a romance breaks up one of the big questions is who keeps the friends? When friends breakup nobody does. And how do you know when it’s time to say goodbye? Often, it happens naturally and the friends drift apart. Sometimes you have a falling out, which can be very painful. Occasionally, one half decides to break it off rather abruptly with no explanation. But, how often do we ever sit down and have a conversation about where things our going with our friendships?
What would it look like if we were more intentional about our relationships? Not just the familial ones or the romantic ones, but the ones we call friendships, too? Have you ever had a conversation with a friend when it just became obvious to one or both of you that the friendship probably couldn’t last much longer without major efforts on one or both part? And, if it comes to this point, how do you decide if it’s worth it? If it’s at this point, is it worth it?
In our throw-away society, there’s a lot of potential for missed opportunities to really grow, and even shine, on the other side of difficult conversations. Too often we end the relationship because we convince ourselves that comfort is more valuable than the growth that is experienced on the other side of discomfort.
It may be that the friendship has run its course and we have received all that we were able to from that relationship. Even when this is the case, it’s still something to grieve. Something to appreciate. It is ok to mourn the loss of a friendship, even if it was dying of natural causes, and we need to give ourselves permission to do so. Grief, when taken with a healthy dose of gratitude, serves us in letting go and having appreciation for what was, and is no longer.
I just can’t reconcile it in my mind. I can’t get the logic to line up: Why do so many people seem to be okay with the incredible violations to their rights and freedoms right now?
Why do so many people seem to think it’s ok to force another person to wear a mask over their face, when just a few years ago here in Canada, they were trying to ban burkas and other religious face coverings. Now suddenly everyone is supposed to wear them and just be okay with that? Why aren’t more women questioning this? I honestly wonder. So many women here in the Western world used to be appalled at the lack of freedom and rights of women in the muslim world––having to always be covered in public and yet here they are just willingly submitting to the same thing now.
Why do so many people seem to be willing to subject themselves to a very controversial, experimental injection without even really knowing what’s in it or what are the possible long term effects?
Do people just not understand or realize what they are giving up? Are people too tired to be responsible for themselves and their decisions? Maybe being a virtual robot won’t be so bad? I mean, I don’t want to end my life, but I certainly don’t want to live in a box not being allowed to make any decisions for myself. I want to choose for myself. I want to make my own choices. Why is that even considered a selfish thing? I’m not hurting anyone. I just want to live in peace. I just want to live my life. It seems like these people who are going along with this narrative just want someone else to live their lives.
I don’t have answers this time, I mean, I do, but I don’t. I get it that many people feel too overwhelmed and hopeless and maybe they feel like making decisions for themselves it just too stressful and too much work. Maybe it feels hard because they are scared to make the wrong choice––this to me is more an issue of being out of touch with Self. And yes, I understand that looking at yourself isn’t easy, but it is worth it.
I truly believe if more people were more in touch with their Self; tuned into and listening to the internal wisdom that is innate within all of us; if we could slow down and stop blocking it out with constant distraction and entertainment, we wouldn’t be in this mess right now. I truly believe that, as more people learn who to love and forgive themselves, this world will become a better place.
Until then, I just don’t get it.
I enjoy conversations, especially the deep ones; philosophical ones, existential ones; conversations about consciousness and the meaning behind the reason.
I mentioned in my previous post, that I’d rather be alone reading or thinking about something deep that to be in a superficial conversation. Don’t get me wrong, I can do the superficial conversation thing, and even enjoy it, but it’s not my preference. I also realize that you don’t just jump into those deep conversations with most people; you have to kind of feel it out first. Some people are afraid to go there, some people have no idea where there even is.
I’m thinking of particular person that I can’t even say the work “Reiki” around. Many people have at least heard of Reiki, are a little bit curious about it, or have even tried it. But when I say this word or even the word energy around her, it’s like I can almost see her floating out of her body. No joke, she completely goes somewhere else. So we talk about other things, the weather, her grown kids, her health issues that began seemingly out of nowhere and will likely “force” her to retire early; from a consciousness perspective, I can see other things going on here, but she can’t hear that, so I just listen.
One time, I had a booth at a trade show and got to talking with the pleasant couple across the aisle from me when we had down time. Mostly he was at their booth, so we talked more, but occasionally she would come around with their little one and bring food. He had been asking about my energy work and practice when his wife joined us, and I was about to tell a story that had something to do with a woman and her pregnancy (this was a long time ago, so I can’t remember the story, it’s not really relevant other than how it affected the energy). She was hanging on to my words, I could see the interest, she wanted to know all about it, but I got to a certain point and the energy in front of him was suddenly as if a huge iron gate had just slammed down, “Whatever you’re about to say, DON’T.” I could tell his wife was waiting for me to tell the story, but I pretended to get distracted and trail off and the energy instantly lifted. The interesting thing was, I don’t really know if he was conscious of any of that. I’m not really sure that he was even aware that it happened; to this day, I wonder. In any case, it was not a conversation that was meant to happen at that moment. I will never forget how tangible that energy was.
This isn’t really the kind of thing I can tell people, though, because unless they are also aware of energy, they will either think I’m full of it; believe that they are impervious, or worry that I am reading their minds, (which I am not, just reading the energy). It’s also why I don’t enjoy the superficial conversations as much, I’d much rather be exploring the energy behind what people are saying.
I’ve been slacking in my posts. I know what this is. I’m not lazy; it’s my procrastination pattern. I tend to put off important things, for a number of reasons: fear of being really good at it and then having the responsibility of having to be even better; fear of not being good at all and then become a laughing stock (of who? of what? I don’t know but I guess this is probably a more common fear than we fool ourselves into believing when the fear is pushing at us); needing the pressure of a tighter deadline to motivate me and push me––there’s something about accomplishing under pressure that I really enjoy, and I do always come through. So why am I slacking?
I have a number of things I want to say. Deep things. I’m not really one to have a lot of superficial conversations. They bore me, and I’d rather be alone reading or thinking about something deep than be in a superficial conversation. So, I haven’t really been slacking, I’ve been putting it off because I want to introduce myself a little. And so I can get used to the way I think and how it comes out in my writing style. It always makes so much sense in my head and my hope is that I can translate that energy into words that makes sense for the reader as well.
The very fact that I’m attempting to apologize for and explain my slacking should tell you, at least, that I am aware of it and working on it. I will get better. And because I may have very few, if any, readers at this point, (unless you’ve found this blog by accident because I have not put it out there or promoted it in any way yet), this is mostly reassurance for myself. I’m recognizing my patterns, I am aware of my fears and hesitations and because I know myself, I know I’m moving forward.