church

I miss singing. I had no idea this would ever be something I would miss. But, now that it’s practically illegal (who actually comes up with this shit?!?!), I miss it so much.

It’s not even the signing I miss as much as the unity/unison I could experience through it. I’m not a singer by any stretch, not really even in the shower, but I used to sing every week at church with about a thousand other people, maybe more. There is something about signing in praise and worship, it’s called heart coherence, that feels amazing.

I don’t think I could specifically say “I think I’m missing the feeling of coherence,” if I wasn’t intentionally conscious of my mental, emotional and spiritual state. I don’t think it’s one of those immediately obvious things you know you are missing, like food on the other hand––you know when you are missing food because your stomach likes to remind you with a very noticeable grumble. No, this is more like a deep yearning of the soul kind of missing; aching to create unity and harmony with other people. I know I can do that each time I meditate, and I still do that, but I guess I’m just missing the whole experience of it: the crowds, the music, the singing, feeling God right there in the midst of us.

I’m sure, because of my somewhat rebellious nature, that part of this also has to do with the simple fact that we’ve been “told” not to sing, so naturally that’s what I want to do. “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.” “What? What curtain? What man? Where? I wanna see!” It’s like, “No singing!” “Do, Re, Me, Fa, So…. what were you saying?”

So, I have decided that, in addition to the personal growth things I am focusing on during meditation, I am going to set aside special time, even if it’s just a few minutes while I’m drifting off to sleep, to visualize and really feel and experience what it would be like to be singing at church again. And I am going to do this everyday until we’re physically “allowed” to again.

Yes, I go to church. I love my church, I have been attending the same one since 2003. It is where I first realized that God wanted me to live a full and joyful life. A life of significance with which I could impact others and they too would see how much they are loved and valued.

I volunteered, I joined many study groups and got to know many people who I would call my church family; they visited me when I was sick in the hospital, I dedicated all my children there, they held me as I cried when one of my kids was going through a difficult time. My church was a place that I could always walk into and feel welcomed. No matter what kind of day I was having I would always feel better when I walked out of there.

Today was the first time that I walked in and out of my church and felt invisible. I am heartbroken at the separation that has leaked into even the church due to all the extreme covid measures. Everyone masked, everyone separate.

I felt so alone. It felt worse than when I go into the grocery store, a restaurant or any other public place because at least in those places I don’t expect people to be full of faith.

It’s one thing to temporarily close public places for two weeks, (maybe even four), as we were initially told back in March, but now we’re going on nine MONTHS with no end in sight. I see the church, people and governments bowing down to the false god of “science”and the mainstream media. It has become tyranny and oppression.

I imagined God’s people, people of faith, standing shoulder to shoulder, singing his praises; loving and supporting one another; trusting in him and the gifts of health and prosperity that he has endowed upon us along with the gift of reconciliation and forgiveness through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Today I just felt invisible.

One thing I know in my heart of hearts: what we are doing right now is not something a loving God would ask us to do. Jesus touched lepers, the outcasts of society, and healed them, he spoke to, healed, forgave and loved those that others wouldn’t associate with–Samaritans, the demon-possessed, adulterers, the woman with the issue of blood, so many examples.. and not once have I read about him masking up, hiding at home or keeping a 2 meter bubble around himself to do it.

Disclaimer: my views do not necessarily represent those of the church I attend, nor the Christian faith as a whole, unfortunately.

Tag: church

Missing: You Don’t Know What You’ve Got ’til it’s Gone